I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
