How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
All the doctor said was why
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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