Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Randomize
