Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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