I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
