I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
