somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
