i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
