I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
