I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
