I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
