he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
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