I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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