i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
