Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
