Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
