I just made out with a guy for $7.
you would pick up someone in the library
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
