Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
