watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
