My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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