the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
