she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
