I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize