turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
