had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
