nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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