3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
