Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize