Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
