i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
