Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
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