accomplished twins. life is a go
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Randomize
