I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
