I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
