You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize