he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
