I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
