I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
