I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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