good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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