I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
