Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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