My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
