Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
