you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
