A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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