I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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