ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
