i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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