Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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