i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
