Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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