So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
