There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
