she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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