Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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