I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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