I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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