He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
