By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
