So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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