I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
